***very vulnerable, real and raw share ahead***
on october 5th 2018 myself, my dear sistar sarah grace and 7 other sisters consciously descended in ritual and ceremony in the middle pyramid of giza on the night venus stationed retrograde. this was the beginning of the most profound period of endings in my life to date. the plutonian themes of death and rebirth, loss and return, transformation and transmutation have been POTENT! have you been feeling it too?
from the sun/venus conjunction on october 26th 2018 to the one we just had last week on august 13th where the sun and venus were PRECISELY QUINCUNX PLUTO (exact within 1 minute)- this whole cycle has been a dozy. i have been navigating so many Underworld journeys- at times feeling like the Universe was putting too damn much on my plate and maybe i was ready for the space ship to come get me and take me back home! (no joke)
a few days after that conjunction on 8/13- as inanna hangs on her meat hook after descending through the 7 gates per her myth- i descended into anesthesia and had surgery to remove breast implants i had received 19 years previous. a nodal cycle completing- a new one beginning. with the north node heading to cojoin my exalted jupiter in cancer conjunct sirius!!!
i am still very in it- my physical body is healing up quickly and amazingly (so says my nurse)- so much so that taking the drains out 2 days ago really fucking sucked because my skin was healing so well getting the drain out was like tug of war. but the physical healing pales in comparison to the emotional, psychological and spiritual healing i am going through (and still very much in process of).
all the old beliefs and ideas of not being good enough, not being perfect, not being whole as i am have come back up to be faced- this time with my 41 year old consciousness that has done a SHIT LOAD OF WORK on myself versus my 22 year old self who was so wounded, so lacking in self Love and self worth that she would make a decision to pay money to get cut open and have foreign objects put into her body to make her feel good enough.
i will say having them did help me heal to a degree at that time in my life. i had an eating disorder when i first got my implants. anorexia turned into bulimia and i was bulimic whenever i had emotional situations in my life i could not digest which unfortunately happened often. once the implants were in being anorexic with big boobs did not look good. i looked like boobs on a stick. so i started to ease up on my body- and stopped using food to deal with emotions i could not digest. a few years later i got into yoga, went to india for 6 months, came home and got my degree in psychology and my whole relationship with my body (and really my whole life trajectory) changed.
but the wounding that manifested through implants still expressed in other areas of my life- most notably in regards to the men i dated.
unfortunately i had a very bad pattern of choosing men to date who would lie, cheat, steal, dishonor and disrespect me. i dated a lot of narcissists, gas lighters, men who did not have the capacity to honor and respect me. and for those who were not that bad- they would still be emotionally unavailable and not willing or ready to do the deep work i really wanted to do in relationship. i would see in them their potential (pisces rising rose colored glasses) and some of them would even try to live up to it- but because it was not of their own making and commitment to inner work it never worked out. i cannot tell you how many times i would be mistreated and stay in the relationship wondering ‘what is my part in this’ or ‘how can i help them heal’ as i could see their own wounds and pain so very clearly. this led to a pattern of shutting down my heart and staying- rather than keeping my heart open and leaving. a pattern i am completely and radically changing right now!
in the last week since my surgery i have had SO MANY DREAMS of ex boyfriends, lovers, men who mistreated me, men who i tried to mother back into wholeness while they hurt and harmed me. there is a huge connection between my implants and the history of men in my life. WOW. the psyche really shows you what’s up, doesn’t it?
for the last 41 years i have been living the myth of the Wounded Feminine. i have venus square chiron- in a grand cross with uranus and juno- and the whole fucking thing got triggered by my progressed sun and moon in the last 5 years. lets just say it has not been easy or fun. at times it’s been horrifically shitty actually.
what i can say is all the shit and shadow brought me to today- and thank Goddess for all the shadow work i have been doing with my teacher robert masters and with the sisters in my life committed to this deep work- as it prepared me to really confront myself, my wounds and pain and sit with all that is there in a deeper and more authentic way. it has not been fun- but holy fuck have i been growing.
i am still in the depths right now- no longer hanging on the meat hook but still naked, dripping with blood and starting to ascend back through the 7 gates of innana. venus’ rebirth phase begins 10/1 and my progressed moon/progressed saturn conjunction will be complete by mid october. so i am really in a portal right now until then. the only way out is through…
i had a venus reading with my star brother gemini brett and he told me my venus position is at the gate of the heart and is in the part of the cycle that is about rebirth and renewal. my dear sister val had a vision of me in meditation where i had stab wounds in my heart and i was in the midst of healing deeply ancient karmic wounds. what is ironic is when i am going through deep transformations i have friends that have dreams or visions of me and the imagery is always on point. as though the Universe is reminding me that yes there is purpose to my pain and suffering and yes i will make it through to the other side.
and as much as i can see the deep and profound spiritual significance of what i am going through- the fact of the matter is I AM GOING THROUGH IT. i am in the trenches- in the shit and the shadow. i see the Light at the end of the tunnel but it would dishonor my process to only focus on that and not speak to and honor the shadow i am in the midst of.
all of this happening while the lungs of mother earth are on fire- and let me tell you the symbolism has not escaped me as i feel like i am on a very small scale moving through ancient pain and wounds that relate to what we do to Mother Earth on a much grander scale. we frack her, dump poison in her, strip her bare, take from her, use her. our relationship to our Mother is wounded. and our relationship to our bodies and the feminine is mirrored in this.
astrologically air is mind and fire is spirit and we tend to polarize to both- let’s all go up and out! ascend! enlighten! move into the 5th dimension and create a new earth! but earth is body and water is emotions and soul- and we cannot truly ascend if we have not done the descent. we cannot go up and out if we have not completely gone down and in. like the world axis tree with roots going deep into the earth and branches going up into the sky- we cannot have an anchored tree with no roots. and chasing the Light without facing the shadow becomes an escapist technique that is really just veiled spiritual bypassing. enlightenment without embodiment does not lead to Wholeness- and it will not save our planet.
i am doing my part to reclaim my wholeness, heal my heart, detox and remove that which does not serve me in my field- be it implants, parasites, bacteria, men, beliefs, attitudes and more. this journey is no joke. my mantras have been SURRENDER, GO DEEPER and TRUST. having this happen while trying to run a full time business, go through divorce, deal with my daughter’s emotional and physical health responses to her parents separating, and deal with my own emotional and physical health all at the same time has truly been the most fucking intense thing i have ever done. thank Goddess for my sisters who have the capacity to sit with me when i fall down and hold me while i cry.
and even though i have an amazing group of sisters and brothers supporting me- the deepest darkest parts of this journey i could really only navigate alone. as it is with all Underworld journeys. i was so aware of that when i was getting ready to be put under for anesthesia- it was just me and God/Goddess. parts of this journey are for me to walk alone.
i am sharing this in hopes that it will inspire others who are in intense places right now- and also anyone considering explanting (more detailed info about this at the end of this post). i have had a few friends comment about how social media makes it look like everyone’s life is all happy and shiny and positive. and when people do choose to share grief it is in a more collective way- like look at the rainforest that is burning i am so sad, so angry, so full of grief. YES there is deep grief and anger and rage around the rainforest burning. YES! and it is also pointing to the deep grief, anger and rage within us we are not acknowledging when we try to only show the positive and live in the light.
many of us want to hide when we are going through intense things- perhaps to not be a debbie downer or maybe to not really show where we are hurting, broken, wounded and going through it. this is the shadow of selfie culture and social media. we tend to only post our highlight reel- and keep the darker parts to ourselves. and yet this gives the impression that the shadow is something that is negative or to be avoided. or worse it gives the impression that some people’s lives are perfect and amazing- and then others compare themselves to this and fall short and feel shame for not being happy enough, enlightened enough, perfect enough. this is not the path to healing!
a few days ago in the whats app group of sisters who have been holding space for my surgery and healing- i sent a very vulnerable voice text where i was sobbing and crying about my body image, my breasts and how it looks like the surgeon may have taken breast tissue out along with the implant that should have been left there (time will tell- it will take 3-6 months for my breasts to ‘even out’). i almost did not send the message- as i knew it would be depressing and putting myself out there in a way that felt very, very vulnerable. but i knew i needed to do it- so i did.
so many sisters responded with such support, love and care- and my friend val’s response really blew my mind. she responded saying hearing my message blessed and bathed her heart in Love and cracked her heart open. WOW. it had never occurred to me that me sharing my deepest pain could bless and bathe someone’s heart. intellectually i get it- as pain cracks us open. but in the moment of my embodied experience- where in the message i was sobbing and heaving and struggling to get my words out- i really had no idea that my sharing so honestly and openly would be perceived as a blessing.
and so in that light i share this with all of you. so that my pain and suffering and journey of wounding and healing can contribute to collective and personal healing and awakening. i know so many others going through much worse things than me- a dear sister who had breast cancer and moved through a very harrowing journey but she is out on the other side now, another sister whose son got diagnosed with leukemia 2 weeks ago, another sister who i just learned about on instagram whose son who had cancer at age 2 and beat it just got re diagnosed 4 years later after he had been cancer free. and the burning rainforest in brazil. and the toxic crap being dumped into our oceans, lakes and rivers. and the dolphins and whales that are dying. and the fight for mauna kea on the big island. and the list goes on and on and on….
i leave you with pictures of me pre surgery and post-op as well as pictures of me in the middle pyramid of giza- the night that venus descended into the underworld october 5th 2018. in this 41st year of my life i am completing my journey of living the mythos of the Wounded Feminine. i am not fighting for my physical life as some may be- but i am fighting for my Light. i refuse to shut my heart down, dim my Light or hold back any longer. i will do the deep fucking painful work of detoxing and releasing anything and everything that serves to shut me down, hold me back, or keep me playing small. i no longer have time for that which makes me feel bad about myself or makes me feel confused or unclear (i read that on a meme on instagram a few weeks ago). in the past if things were unclear i would stay to try to understand them. i am now seeing the red flags for what they are and i am walking the fuck away. i don’t have to understand. i just have to trust my own intuition.
i hope you will join me in this fight- as we need all light beings on deck. we need all sacred warriors in full power. we have all incarnated at a time where the battle for Wholeness and Full Awakening is the fiercest. for me shadow work has been key to prepare me for what is happening now and what lies ahead. working with the body and with our emotions- honoring of the feminine- is key. and this level of work is not all Light, hearts, roses and unicorns. and it does not look pretty. and it is most certainly not fun. but it is meaningful. and it is whole-making. and it drops you so deeply into yourself that you are able to find and anchor into the bedrock of your Soul. this work is worth it.
“both Light and shadow are the dance of Love” (rumi). this is a time to enchant the Light and the Dark into Union- as within, so without. as above, so below. as the Universe, so the Soul.
you have galaxies within you, but you forget. the birth is imminent. bringing heaven to earth is simply a matter of remembering. don’t forget Who You Really Are!
p.s. for anyone interested- i did not remove my implants because i was having huge health issues. i have had some chronic health things i seem to manage well with a very pure, clean diet, exercise and super clean lifestyle. so it will be interesting to see in the months to come if some of these issues resolve because they were tied to the implants. but my decision to remove them was related to spiritual and emotional healing. in the short term it would have been cheaper, quicker and a much faster healing period to just replace them. instead i choose to pay more, be under anesthesia longer, and take longer to heal because i got a full en bloc capsulectomy to remove not just the implants but the capsule the body forms around them in order to protect me from the toxins that were in them. for anyone wanting to learn more about this i recommend googling explant, en block capsulectomy and breast implant illness (BII). you can also look for tags of the above key words on instagram to see people’s personal stories.
uranus is in taurus for the next 6 years and i wrote a blog about how this is a time for an embodiment revolution. in part i feel this is about women reclaiming their bodies and their health- as there is truly a growing movement of women explanting right now. you can read my blog on uranus by clicking the link in my bio and then clicking on ‘embodiment revolution’. as women wake up to their worth and authentic beauty- the world will change. as women we are the embodiment of the Goddess. when we remember that and reclaim our Divinity- we help Mother Earth reclaim hers. in the past there have been stories of saviors/savioresses- incarnations of the Divine- here to help awaken us. well as a dream i had a few years ago showed me- now is not the time of the return of the One- but it is in fact the return of the many. awaken! we need all hands on deck. REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE!